This week I had the pleasure of working with a team full of 8-10 year old girls. Our topic was emotional control and how it relates to the way we handle mistakes or unsuccessful outings on the softball field. As our conversation got deeper, they made it very clear to me that most of the pressure they feel to succeed comes from their parents. As a 27 year old Master’s graduate who is currently living at home, let me tell me you, I can relate!
Some of the common complaints I heard from my athletes during our discussion were; “He (her dad) just keeps repeating himself!”, “It’s annoying when my mom yells, “it’s okay, you can do it!” from the stands”, and “They (her parents) are always comparing me to my older sister”. These are all different perspectives, there are no guidlines for parents to follow so they become the perfect youth sport parent. My suggestion to all sport parents is to create a dialogue with their child about what they need after or during a poor performance. Simply ask them what they want from you when they are struggling on the field. Sometimes all athletes want is silence.
Here are some other great ways to keep your involvement in your child’s sport experience positive:
Key Phrases: It’s helpful to let the athletes dictate the conversation surrounding their performance. You can ask, “How did it go?” instead of “Did you win?” or “Did you get a hit?” Did you win and did you get a hit imply that those aspects are the most important pieces of the game. By asking, “How did it go?” your athlete can dictate what they want to talk about. They may even bring up their poor performance before you do. Sometimes we just don’t know what to say; here’s a great line: “ I loved watching you play”. It has no judgment and it’s completely honest every time! (Lancaster, Llosa, & Pain, 2013, p. 3; Stafford, 2013).
Ask First: It’s hard to talk about a game when you didn’t play the way you wanted to. “Is it okay if we talk about the games or would you rather wait until later?” is a great way to take the pressure off and have a more meaningful discussion later on. Kids want your input; they just want it at a time that works for them.
Start and focus on the good: Your athletes want to impress you so badly. When you finally do have that conversation about the game, start with the things they did well. Be sensitive when talking about the things that didn’t go well. Before the conversation is over remember to reiterate how they succeeded; there is always something positive you can point out. Think of it as a sandwich: Positive – Constructive Criticism – Positive.
Silent Acceptance: It’s hard to keep our mouths shut when our kid isn’t performing at their best. It’s not always beneficial to shout something from the stands, or lecture them on the way home. Sometimes silence is the best route to take. Athletes appreciate when coaches and parents are silent after a mistake, everyone knows it happened and athletes just want to move on, no need to bring extra attention to it.
Here’s an easy rule to remember when talking to your kids about their performance. Before you say anything ask yourself these three questions:
- Is it true?
- Is it kind?
- Is it necessary? (what will you achieve by criticizing?)
If you can answer yes to all three questions, go ahead and speak your mind. If not, it may be better for everyone involved if you keep it to yourself. This one isn’t just a sport lesson, it’s a life lesson. Whenever any of us open our mouths to speak, we should check ourselves and ask these three simple questions.(Lancaster, Llosa, & Pain, 2013, p. 24).
“Kindness is a language the blind can see and the deaf can hear” – Mark Twain
Llosa, L., Lancaster, S.,Payne, S., (2013) Beyond Winning: Smart Parenting in a Toxic Sports Environment. Guilford, CT: Globe Pequot Press.
R Stafford. (2013, November 11) 6 Words You Should Say Today. Retrieved from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rachel-macy-stafford/six-words-you-should-say-today_b_3863643.html